I am attractive, but men no longer ‘toast’ me?

I’m a single woman in my 30’s and my problem is that I cannot find a man and I honestly have no idea why. I’m attractive and all my friends say I’m a nice

person. I’m aware that you can meet a man at any time, not just when you’re out socially on Saturday nights, so I never step out of the house looking anything less than perfect. I keep to my trim figure, dress nicely, well-groomed and, because I was aware I was being too choosy, I’ve tried hard to give men I don’t even fancy a chance. But now men just don’t seem to find me attractive at all. I don’t get chatted up though I make sure that I look friendly and approachable when l’m out. l’m at my wits’ end and honestly don’t know what else to do. Philo, by e-mail

Dear Philo,

Your whole being seems to be devoted to finding this person, who, I suspected, you feel will complete you. You’re not just eager to meet someone, it has become an obsession.

The problem with being so fanatical about something is that it makes you come across as a bit neurotic. Men spot desperate women a mile off and the sensible, nice ones, make a run for it realising you want a life-jacket, not a boyfriend. The not so nice men single you out, figuring you’re a great candidate for someone they can treat badly, knowing you’ll put up with it because you’ll do anything not to be alone. You don’t sound like you are at that stage yet, but you’re not far of! You need to stop looking and turn all this energy inward.

Throw yourself into enjoying your career, enjoy your friends rather than using them as emotional crutches, read books, see movies you like, go to the gym, make new friends and find new things to enjoy. Also stop looking so perfect. Nails always polished, not a hair out of place could put people of! You sound like the girl who turns up at a barbecue in killer-heels and your little black dress when everyone else is in casuals, just in case there might be a single man present. This is termed ‘the single girl look’ and it’s often unattractive. For a change, aim for the just got out of bed look.’

This is bound to attract more men as they see a woman who looks perfect, and not think ‘high maintenance’ or ‘she must be desperate for a man’. If you really want to get a man, leave your hair all messy, pull on your oldest pair of your favourite jeans, add a pair of casual slippers and a vest, but make sure your bra is showing. Put on the barest minimum of make-up and a mysterious smile that says ‘who cares in meet a man? I’m here to have fun!’ and see what happens. Then sit back and enjoy all the attention that is bound to come your way.